29/12/20

god I feel so alone I've never been more alone in my life it's just me out here in this big world that doesn't want me and I try so hard to be let in, I bang on every door asking please, please take me, please I'll take anything but nobody wants me and they're justified in thinking that way because I'm dirty and bad and guilty of all that I feel guilty for and it's no wonder he never texts me first he's probably waiting for an excuse to block me and he most certainly does NOT love me because nobody like him would ever be able to. he's good. he's kind and smart and funny and I'm fucking nothing

30/12/20

it happened. the thing I thought would happen and it's just as bad as I imagined. I'm a terrible person I'm evil and cruel and ugly and bad to the bone bad bad bad bad bad bad everything I do is evil I'm bad

I want to kill myself. it would be easy. if only this shitty pocket knife I own wasn't dull as all hell I could at least properly cut into the soft flesh of my arms and thighs and bleed until I don't need to talk anymore. It's always me talking that fucks everything up. always my ugly words upsetting my friends and making them stop wanting to be my friends. I am ugly through and through from the outside to the very inner core. my thoughts are evil and corrupted. if there were demons on earth I would surely be one of them. I want to die. I'm not supposed to be a demon I'm supposed to be good please god let me be good I don't want to hurt like this anymore please allow me to be good please love me like a father would love his child please please please don't leave me here I can't take this life I don't want to do bad to survive anymore please let me into your home please feed and bathe me please calm me down please love me please tell me I'm be okay please tell me you love me despite all I've done wrong. please allow me to repent. please allow me to live. please. please. please I'm supposed to be an angel but I lost my wings when I was thirteen and I haven't been able to find them

31/12/20

I'm drinking alcohol and thinking about how much I fucked up. I'm getting drunk while I'm miserable and thinking about how nobody could ever love me for what I am. I'm terrible. I hurt people dear fucking god I hurt people so badly it's like I have no respect for anyone at all and yet I still want to be loved please love me please please love me I want to be loved I want someone to tell me that I'm not all the bad things that I obviously am. Please let me fall in love with you because that's what I AM. I'm in love with you. I love you so fucking much I love everything you say and the jokes you make and the stories you write and I'm so terribly fond of you that it's painful how much you aren't fond of me. I want to die. I wish I was dead so I wouldn't get the urge to bother you anymore.

06/01/21

Suicidal today. All I've been doing lately is listen to the same albums over and over. The Dreaming by Kate Bush. McCartney III by Paul McCartney. Albums that have a few very sad songs on them. We had a fight yesterday. Well, kind of. You were talking about me as if I wasn't there. I told you to stop. You got angry at me. I don't know why you got angry, because you were talking about me. You said that I'm good at what I do. I know you were lying. I didn't notice I had been crying until my mom shoved me away from my computer and started moving me around, trying to get me to tell her what was wrong with me. I didn't say anything. I haven't said anything today either. She asked me how I was this morning and I said I didn't feel like talking. She got mad and left the house without saying goodbye. I wish you would just reject me outright. It would be easier that way. That way I can lick my wounds and move on instead of continuing to live like this, hopeful for something we both know won't come. Please just put me out of my misery. Only you can do it.

27/01/21

jesus fucking christ I love you so much it's going to kill me. every time you talk to me I start shaking and I keep imagining us hanging out. NOT EVEN in a romantic way per se I just think we could be so happy were we just around each other .maybe we could be those people who listen to records together or walk to the beach or listen to street musicians or I'd come over for dinner and your parents would ask me uncomfortable questions. you were one of the first people who heard what I sounded like yet you chose to validate me despite of that and you joke with me and remember the jokes and repeat them to me god please help I've never had this happen to me before