06-03-2024
looking back on it, maybe I should've just let him hurt me. maybe I wouldn't be alone now. he said he wanted to 'fix' me, like, some kind of corrective rape thing. ...I'm afraid at the mere idea and moreso that my brain is seriously starting to consider that as 'better' over my current loneliness. jesus christ, man. you're pathetic.
26-04-2024
a way to tell someone 'you left me when I was at my lowest' without upsetting them.
07-05-2024
it felt cruel to say 'She's basically dead to me already' but it is the truth. Self-preservation made me leave her behind a pretty long time ago. She keeps acting like she's the victim in this situation. If there's a victim at all, it's us, not her. But she seems so sad. She cried when we said goodbye that day. It wasn't even our last meeting.
29-05-2024
I am such a toxic and jealous person it's actually not normal anymore. I think I should go to jail or die or something.
31-05-2024
I wonder if I'm worried for you because I love you or because I'm projecting onto you, and that just makes me too scared to ask you about it. Isn't that silly?
04-06-2024
why did I just roll up to 'friend who replaces me whenever they've found a better friend' and get surprised that they're ignoring me in favour of a new friend lol
05-06-2024
embarrassingly, perversely, even, I sit here, thinking 'how long will it take until they notice?'. I've played this game before. It has never served me well. I keep playing.
07-06-2024
I don't know why it took me so long to notice that most times when someone gets coffee for the office they get some for everyone except me. One colleague said 'oh, they probably just forgot which day you were working' but that doesn't exactly happen three subsequent days, I'd think. Yesterday everyone except me got a slice of cake. I feel like an idiot.
14-06-2024
drunk texts from a friend take me back to being younger and sitting in my aunt's house while she's high and forgetful and happy, apologizing for each of these intermittently. Those times weren't even traumatic, so I don't know why I got scared remembering it. Stupid. Even if they were traumatic, that's a silly thing to be traumatized about.
24-06-2024
You're turning into him. He wouldn't do the same for you. You're taking it too far. Be careful.
27-06-2024
it's like I only allow myself to talk to people when I'm in a good mood. When I feel bad I reread the message I sent a hundred times and delete it, imagining you scoffing over it, sighing deeply, shaking your head. I read back old conversations and wonder how I ever got away with talking like that. How I got people to stick with me. I think I might be the worst person in the world.
18-07-2024
someone else's freakout isn't my fault. I have my own stuff to deal with.