26-04-2024
a way to tell someone 'you left me when I was at my lowest' without upsetting them.
29-05-2024
I am such a toxic and jealous person it's actually not normal anymore. I think I should go to jail or die or something.
05-06-2024
embarrassingly, perversely, even, I sit here, thinking 'how long will it take until they notice?'. I've played this game before. It has never served me well. I keep playing.
07-06-2024
I don't know why it took me so long to notice that most times when someone gets coffee for the office they get some for everyone except me. One colleague said 'oh, they probably just forgot which day you were working' but that doesn't exactly happen three subsequent days, I'd think. Yesterday everyone except me got a slice of cake. I feel like an idiot.
24-06-2024
You're turning into him. He wouldn't do the same for you. You're taking it too far. Be careful.
08-08-2024
I don't think anyone is laughing anymore. I keep telling the same joke regardless. Look at me. Look at the spectacle I made of myself. Please look. If nobody else sees what I did it might as well not have happened at all.
17-08-2024
Reread something my friend said about me back in 2021. About how they're afraid to talk to me because they don't want to hurt me. That's not what I want to be. I don't want to be fragile. I want to be dependable.
06-01-2025
I hope I will never succumb to wanting only love and light. I hope I'll stay a person forever.
15-02-2025
I'd cut your name into my arm. Don't you see that this has always meant something? I'm sorry for being stupid.
17-02-2025
saw my aunt for the first time in little less than a year at the funeral today. we cried at the same speeches. it's been so long, yet my head still fits perfectly in the spot between her neck and shoulder, and our arms hook together effortlessly.
14-04-2025
discussing workplace bullying or something of that sort. I say something upset me to the brink of tears. I get hit with the 'why are you acting like this? it's not like they're raping you or anything' which like, is true, but holy shit why would you say it like that.
12-07-2025
the term 'former babysitter' would just confuse the audience, plus it doesn't convey the same sentiment as 'godmother' or 'just my friend'. earlier I got distracted thinking about friendship and almost accidentally downloaded a pack of telegram stickers.
01-08-2025
sick with jealousy. I'll never be a part of anything in any way that matters. Self-sabotage is instinctive.
15-08-2025
had to resort to alcohol to help me fall asleep. this does not happen often. It lulls you into a kind of foggy, dreamless sleep that you wake up from bone-tired and disoriented, but at least you've slept, I guess. I couldn't stop thinking about things but inebriated me is kind of happy and unserious. I'm aware of things I'm doing, the anxiety is just gone and replaced with a sort of urge or need to be funny and silly. Felt a bit nauseous this morning but I didn't puke so that's cool.
31-08-2025
It's a sort of hot-and-cold fear and it's a sort of all-encompassing feeling of wrongness or sorrow and that something that happened long before I was born was my fault, and it's ridiculous. But I can't stop it. All I feel is their grief, something they don't even feel anymore. Would they have forgiven me? I think they would. But neither the crime nor the conversation after ever happened. It's stupid to exist like this. I look into his empty eyes, the hollow look I recognize...
30-09-2025
the more I learn about this topic the more I feel that we shouldn't be allowed to know any of this stuff about these people (celebrities, in this case). We really ought to leave them alone. Now there's going to be a documentary out that will reportedly show a really sensitive moment and all I can think is fuck no, don't show us this, destroy all copies. Let them live their lives.
02-10-2025
absence makes the heart grow fonder. repeat until it's true.
06-10-2025
just had to walk back from the canteen to my office with two glass pots of strawberry yoghurt in my pockets. I felt serene. For a moment, I was the world's most beautiful and fragile animal.