I wish to one day be regarded by someone as beautiful, simply because of their fondness for me. Like how I will be sitting in their living room watching TV and they will see the way my chin sticks out and think of it as beautiful because it’s a part of me. I wish for someone to look at me without thinking of things that I would have to change in order to be pretty. I want a simple beauty, based on the way my face scrunches up when I laugh, or how that one annoying lock of hair keeps getting into my eyes. Someone will love it because it is mine. I am not a good-looking person by any stretch of the imagination but maybe beauty is more than skin deep. Maybe someone will see me one day and be happy that I don’t look any different.
Sometimes out of nowhere I get very nervous, so much so that my heart starts pounding in my chest. I don't know why that is. Sometimes things scare me a lot when usually they do not scare me at all. Sometimes I'm just terrified out of nowhere. Of everything around me. Of my friends and family. I don't know why. I don't know how to fix it.
I have nothing going for me. I am not smart, nor am I pretty in any way. I'm not attractive, no part of me is, not even separately from the rest. My brain doesn't work well. put nicely, I'm an idiot. I don't know anything. I don't know how to act in front of other people. I don't even know how to think. Even when I am alone I do not stop failing, proving that it's all real and not just an act to try and get pity. I really am this bad and worthless and stupid. A big dumb body with nothing of value inside of it. some people say that human beings are just brains piloting suits of meat but I have always related to the body more. Brains think, that is their job. I am terrible at thinking. I relate more to the huge, lumbering, clumsy human bodies walking into each other and falling down endlessly. I am the man without a brain. I am good for nothing. Anything would be good enough for me.
It is terribly hard to purposefully cut yourself off from people you love and enjoy talking to. But sometimes you'll find you need a break regardless of what you feel like you want. Sometimes it can be terribly good to sit silently and not talk to anyone all day. And if you do go back to your friends after that you'll find the conversation flows more sweetly than it did before. can't even stand me. But I'm too afraid to cut them off, too. It's weird.
I wonder why Sol Pais did what she did. I wonder why people are so obsessed with her, making tributes to her and such. I'm not judging, though. Just wondering. I wonder what it's like.
I sometimes genuinely can't tell whether I'm self-sabotaging or trying to save myself from harm. Maybe I'm doing both at the same time. Someone is hurting me, so I stop talking to them. But then I miss them, and I want them back with me so I can talk to them again, because they're nice and I love them? It's bullshit, frankly. But I can't exactly stop. Even though I don't remember, I feel as if it has always been this way.
I am going to quit my job and I am going to go back to school and I will rejoin society and talk to people in my mother language and learn to cook more recipes and fall in love again and watch a hundred movies and everything will be okay again
whenever I talk about my interests he quickly shoots it down unless it's something he also likes. I don't know how to explain to him that it's hurtful. yesterday, he threatened to break up with me if I did a certain thing. I didn't know we were dating. I don't know what's going on
Trying out a new thing where I shut up instead of telling anyone who will listen my opinions on everything. Wish me luck.
there are so many things I want to tell so many people. About how much I care, about how scared I am of losing them, all those kinds of things. But telling them won't make anything better. So I'll stay silent. I have to. I can't do this to them.
I've been so good for so long. I've been so platonic and normal and I haven't said anything too close, too weird or anything. But I want, I still want, I never stopped wanting, and I can't stop thinking about it. I want to be there with you. I want to be there with you and kiss you and do everything with you that you do every day. I want to make myself better so I can be good enough for you. I want you to run away with me. I can't stop thinking about it. It's so hard to be normal when the mere thought of someone makes you go absolutely insane! But I'm being so brave about it.
I'm such a sore loser that I get upset at the mere thought of it. I go to work to get berated about all I'm doing wrong, and when I get home I berate myself instead because I don't know any better. I do actually know better, of course, but it's hard to bring yourself to be the better version of yourself when emotions are involved. oftentimes it feels as if I am dragging my emotional self along on a leash as it whimpers and cries and begs for respite. but I don't give in, because we need to get to work, and we need to play video games after and we're going to fucking enjoy it.
I feel so guilty over everything i didn't warn you in time. I didn't get ice cream i want ed to get ice cream so bad that's the same ice cream man i saw when i was little why didn't i stop why did i keep walking i just want to be happy and i feel so guilty. what if i never see him again. i need to apologize to him