I wish to one day be regarded by someone as beautiful, simply because of their fondness for me. Like how I will be sitting in their living room watching TV and they will see the way my chin sticks out and think of it as beautiful because it’s a part of me. I wish for someone to look at me without thinking of things that I would have to change in order to be pretty. I want a simple beauty, based on the way my face scrunches up when I laugh, or how that one annoying lock of hair keeps getting into my eyes. Someone will love it because it is mine. I am not a good-looking person by any stretch of the imagination but maybe beauty is more than skin deep. Maybe someone will see me one day and be happy that I don’t look any different.
Sometimes out of nowhere I get very nervous, so much so that my heart starts pounding in my chest. I don't know why that is. Sometimes things scare me a lot when usually they do not scare me at all. Sometimes I'm just terrified out of nowhere. Of everything around me. Of my friends and family. I don't know why. I don't know how to fix it.
I have nothing going for me. I am not smart, nor am I pretty in any way. I'm not attractive, no part of me is, not even separately from the rest. My brain doesn't work well. put nicely, I'm an idiot. I don't know anything. I don't know how to act in front of other people. I don't even know how to think. Even when I am alone I do not stop failing, proving that it's all real and not just an act to try and get pity. I really am this bad and worthless and stupid. A big dumb body with nothing of value inside of it. some people say that human beings are just brains piloting suits of meat but I have always related to the body more. Brains think, that is their job. I am terrible at thinking. I relate more to the huge, lumbering, clumsy human bodies walking into each other and falling down endlessly. I am the man without a brain. I am good for nothing. Anything would be good for me.
It is terribly hard to purposefully cut yourself off from people you love and enjoy talking to. But sometimes you'll find you need a break regardless of what you feel like you want. Sometimes it can be terribly good to sit silently and not talk to anyone all day. And if you do go back to your friends after that you'll find the conversation flows more sweetly than it did before.
got perscribed (prescribed? how do you spell that) ritalin a few days ago. I have been taking it and honestly I don't know if I notice any difference at all, which is now causing me to feel like the therapist gave me fake medication for some reason. No clue why he would do that, but I keep getting nervous about him thinking that I'm possibly an addict because I don't really oppose trying any medication at all (there's a lot going on in my head, I'm honestly willing to try most things) and... I don't know. I'm just nervous. I don't really know what to do. I guess I should just work on some work stuff.
nobody told me how hard it would be to simply take medication. I just don't do it. I know I have to take it. I remember it at the right times. I just don't do it. I just sit here writing about taking my medication instead of taking the two steps towards my bag needed to retrieve my medication. What the hell is wrong with me? I have no clue if my friends even like me. I sometimes feel like they can't even stand me. But I'm too afraid to cut them off, too. It's weird. I'm weird. They're even weirder.
Do you ever see someone so attractive it makes you want to kill yourself?
I wonder why Sol Pais did what she did. I wonder why people are so obsessed with her, making tributes to her and such. I'm not judging, though. Just wondering. I wonder what it's like.
I cut them off. All of them. I was really nervous about it yesterday, but today I feel more calm. I think that maybe this was a good thing after all.
I sometimes genuinely can't tell whether I'm self-sabotaging or trying to save myself from harm. Maybe I'm doing both at the same time. Someone is hurting me, so I stop talking to them. But then I miss them, and I want them back with me so I can talk to them again, because they're nice and I love them? It's bullshit, frankly. But I can't exactly stop. Even though I don't remember, I feel as if it has always been this way.