I'm really insecure. I think that in the past I have pretended that I wasn't very insecure,
but I have to admit that I am. I need constant reassurance that my friends still love
me, which has an overall negative influence on my friendships. People don't like being
asked the same question over and over, and they don't like it when you constantly apologize,
either.
I want my friends to like me, but I'm not incredibly likeable. I've also been spoiled with
compliments in the past, so now when I don't get compliments for a while I start getting
nervous. Though it's obviously unfair of me to expect a constant rain of compliments upon
myself... there just isn't very much to compliment! Eventually you run out of things to say to
someone, unless you're truly very close, and it's not like I'm super close with everyone I'm
friends with. I am close to a few people, and those are also the people I try my best to appear
normal towards, because what they think is more important.
I... enjoy talking to people, but only when I've gotten to know them very well. It took me a
year to muster up the courage to talk out loud to one of my friends, and now that we talked I
don't know how I feel. Am I happy, proud of myself? Of course. This is a big deal for me. But
I also feel stupid, for not talking sooner, for missing out on so many things. And I'm also
already replaying everything I said back in my head and cringing at how annoying I am.