This entry probably won't be as nicely written as some of the previous ones, as I'm not
really putting any thought into this one. I want to discuss friendship today. I... like to
have friends. Obviously. I think everyone does. And most of them are absolutely kind, fun
people. I'm privileged to be friends with some very talented artists and very kind, smart
people. But. There are some people that I am around a lot (or used to be? It's confusing),
that straight up aren't very nice to me. People who will casually insult me progressively
more and more until I'm so used to it I don't really notice it anymore. People who are just
...kind of mean, like, in general, I guess. People that I talk to and know that they don't
really care about me at all, most of the time, and I only really get their genuine attention
about once a week, or once every two weeks.
This really is only about two people, and of those two people there's only one that I think is
truly intending to be cruel. The other is, well, I guess they're just not someone who would
think nefariously about anyone, and it's more likely that they have no clue they're hurting me.
so it isn't them I'm as worried about. But nevertheless, I still don't like being around them
at the moment, because even if they don't mean badly I still don't like being insulted. ..duh.
Anyhow. This one person. The one person that is left, that I do think is sometimes mean to me
and others on purpose... fuck, my description of them is accurate but I still feel bad writing
it down regardless. They're... cruel. They've got this weird sense of superiority, like everyone
except them and people who don't share their interests are all incredibly stupid. They seem to
enjoy putting others down to an extent that you'd honestly think it's like their fetish or
something. I'm friends with them and they do it to me too, but with just the right mix of sudden
random compliments that I don't leave.
And I, embarassingly enough, am obsessed with them. I used to be extremely in love with them,
only a few months ago, which looking back on it makes me cringe. This person who isn't nice
to me, doesn't treat me like a friend would... I would constantly think about them and message
them, dreaming about visiting them where they lived and whatnot. Incredibly cringy, I'm very
aware. But it's the truth, and this is my website, so if I have to cringe you guys all have to
as well. That's just how websites work. Anyways, the only reason I think I didn't stop talking
to them earlier was probably what I mentioned earlier. Just when I was at the lowest point,
when I was certain they hated me, out of nowhere they would show up with a ton of
compliments, or mention an inside joke, or say something only they and I would understand,
and I'd... melt. all my previous problems would turn to dust and be replaced with this sudden
intense affection. I've told them I loved them countless times. I don't know why. They're not
nice to me. But. they're so nice to me. Does that make any sense? I feel like I'm going insane.
Like I'm at my breaking point. I feel like cutting them off and never talking to them again.
I feel like yelling at them for what they've said to me, what they've said about me to others.
How they've insulted me. I want to scream. I want to hug them. I want them to tell me it's
going to be okay. I want them to tell me they love me. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck