18-05-2022


I do not like the way my body looks. There are a lot of things about it that I am not too
fond of, but there's one part in particular that I despise. It's the chest. For years now,
I've been convinced that if I just get rid of that, it will be so much better, to the
extent that I might be able to force myself into a gym. But to start, the chest.

I first found out I might not entirely identify with my birth gender while reading erotic
fanfiction. You know, that's just the way those things go. In this particular story, one
of the people called the other one 'baby boy'. I came, and immediately started crying,
because I also wanted to be someone's baby boy. Go on, laugh, I would too, were I reading
this if it was written by someone else.
Anyhow, I did my research, bought a binder, all
that stuff. The binder was uncomfortable and my mom got mad at me whenever I wore it,
because it's Unhealthy. And It Will Cause Cancer, apparently. So, I don't wear it, whatever.

I tell my mom I want top surgery. She laughs, smiles, shakes her head. Explains to me what
is truly 'wrong' with me-- I'm uncomfortable with my body, because I don't find myself
sexy. And because of that, I want to Be A Boy, because I am working under some delusion that
becoming a boy will make everything right. She tells me I just need to come to terms with
the fact that I'm ugly. An ugly lesbian, to be specific. I...like men. But my mom insists.

I doubt myself endlessly. Every time I think about top surgery (which is often, many times
a day, I really want it quite badly), I think back to what my mom said. Ugly Lesbian. afraid
of sex. No surgery for me. I begin to doubt myself. I don't know what to do. I look up how
to get on hormones in my country. Waiting time of minimally three years. Then, you have to
live as your Aspired Gender as a year, and when you've done it well enough for them, you get
to go on hormones. Once you've been on hormones for another three years, you are
allowed top surgery. I don't even know if I want hormones, I just want no tits. I can't live
as my Aspired Gender for a year, my mom already dislikes me enough as it is. six years I
can't even start waiting for. The transgender suicide helpline is closed at night. There's
nobody I can talk to. I'm never going to be what I want to be, and nobody will ever know
that there was anything beyond the 'ugly lesbian' they saw to begin with.

I have nothing against lesbians. I'd really hate if that was what people would think I thought.
but you must understand that being called the wrong thing, the wrong identity, it grates on
you after a while. It's exhausting. I wish people could just accept me as me.