moooom, 94673's being weird again!

aka, talking about food in one designated place so people do
not get pissed at me. Don't read if you're recovering from
an ED.

making this page so I can talk about food, specifically in a uniquely disordered way.
because my friends, I think, are getting a bit annoyed at me, and so is my family, so, yeah.

food! love food. can't live without it, literally.ever since my mom told me if I lose more than 1
KG a week I'll get to have driving lessons (yay) I've quickly entered the worlds cutest and most
quirky downward spiral. Say what you want about it, but I've already lost 10 kilos and
I've only actively been at it for about a month and a half. I'm quite proud of myself, though
I'm also convinced I could have lost a lot more if I didn't eat so much. Most days I do quite
well, but I just keep getting into situations where it's not socially acceptable not to eat
and then when I start eating I just... don't stop.

but it's okay. I'm going on vacation soon so I'm planning on getting a LOT of steps in while
there, and we'll be staying with a relative who is really into healthy eating so I'll probably
just follow in their footsteps. Though I will miss a few things I currently consider my faves:
I'll write down a few here, just for funsies. maybe we can compare notes. Yay? Yay!

- diet coke (cherry is my fav)
- monster energy zero (ultra rosa my beloved)
- irn bru sugar free (just... yes.)
- protein shakes :)

- baby food. yes really. delicious and low cal!!
- similarly, low sugar cookies for toddlers.
- sushi, seaweed crisps, both low cal!
- protein bar (supplement for a meal!)
- sugar-free cakes from health store (expensive)

✿exercises (the best meal):✿
- playing Just Dance
- going on long walks (over 10k steps a day)
- following weight loss exercise videos on youtube
- just regular strength training videos too!

kay. one small update. I've been doing this one particular exercise video on youtube for a bit,
but I've never managed to finish it, with it being a little under an hour long. well, I just
finished it in one go! :D

I found the key for me was to watch another video simultaneously. I was so engrossed in the
show (supersize vs superskinny) I forgot I was exercising! Big wins today, and it's only half past

I've been so sick with worry all of today and yesterday I only managed to eat a bit of banana
bread, and then today a bit of instant noodles that weren't even good. Eating them made my
stomach hurt less, though.

I’ve never been small. I’ve been tall all my life and fat for most of it. I was treated like
an adult from a very young age because I looked like one. I grew up and looked the same. I don’t
look like I’ve aged at all these past years. I’ve only gotten fatter and uglier. Heavier. A hulking
thing towering over you, lost in the melancholy of wanting to be small.

It’s all about being loved. Everything is about being fucking loved. I’ll never be small. I’ll never
be tiny the way I wanted to be when I was young and everyone treated me like I should
know better. I didn’t know better. I didn’t know anything yet. I was just a baby. I’ll never
be small but I can be thin. I can be so thin I’ll be fragile—that someone can pick me up with ease
and say

“you’re so light, it’s like I’m holding nothing at all,”

I want anyone to be able to manhandle me. Pick me up like a little kid. I didn’t get to be one the
first time around, but I’ll try really hard, and I’ll be really good. It’s not hard. All I have to do is not eat.

Can't diet because my grandma is dying and she is refusing to eat. Everything is disgusting to
her and she will only eat if someone is eating with her. It sounds so fake-deep to say that I
am surrounded by decay but I am, and it's hard to find a way out, for me, right now. I want to
starve again. I feel so good when I starve. It feels right.