guidelines of how to be cool:

1: don't tell anyone you want to be cool.
2: don't tell anyone most things about you.
2.a: you can tell people your opinions but you have to be succinct. don't defend your opinions unless absolutely necessary.
2.b: don't tell people how you feel. don't tell people how you're doing. don't talk about your interests.
3: don't talk too much. even if you're following all the other rules, dip out after a short while.
4: try to be mysterious. even if a piece of information seems innocuous, don't share it.
5: don't be too nice. people will ask more of you than you can give.

I have seldom experienced something as humiliating as liking something. I don't know why, but when I do
it, it's just horrific. I get all... needy. I keep messaging people, way more than I usually do (which is already
too much, it's like I'm asking people to hate me). I keep explaining things to people who clearly already
understand what I'm saying. I think about the thing I like (a show, for example. That's what it is now.) so
much and so often I get nauseous and afraid to watch it. I feel like I'm waiting for something to snap. I feel
like, any day now, any minute, someone will say "And that's enough!" and stop me in my tracks. Will tell me
to shut up (well-deserved). will tell me to leave, to get my head sorted out and not return until I'm calm and
quiet and palatable.

I feel like a dog that's about to be kicked. I feel like I'm standing underneath a bridge that has just been
blown up with TNT. The impact is looming over my head at every second, leering, telling me "Go on, go
enjoy yourself, while you still can". And I try so hard to shut up. I try so hard to stop the flood, to tuck my
tail under my body and lay quietly, so I don't set anyone off. Silent, bashful little thing, hidden in the
corner. Not a word. But by making myself small and immobile I'm just making myself an easier target.

There's a bliss in liking something. For a while now, I've had no interests at all. I stopped taking my
medication cold-turkey (noticed no effect... I was almost hoping for one). I drank a weird amount of
vodka for someone who was afraid to go into the liquor store just before that. I stay awake until 3 AM
watching TV. It's the only show I care about, the only thing I want to see, want to do, want to breathe. And
I can't even focus on it. I have to restrain myself, physically. Put my phone far away. I've gotten so
weak. I used to get this excited about all things I liked, and now I like something again, first time in
ages, and I'm struggling to cope. Have I made it? To the summit of humiliation? The highest level anyone
can ascend to? I feel like I should be on oxygen. I really, really feel like I should kill myself. I can't keep
thinking about my friends, my stupid! friends, who have stuck with me throughout my outbursts. The
ones who left were right. The one who only keeps me around when she's friendless, until she no longer
needs me (I am her lap-dog. I am her toy.) has the right idea. being around me often must be
insufferable. I feel like I should apologize to them for existing. I feel like killing myself would show them
how sorry I am. I feel like it is the only way I can be properly penitent. And this all still sounds like the
same whiny bullshit. I don't know what the point of this entry is. I thought it might help. I don't think it
will.

I should've just stayed cool...

← →