17-02-2024

Mushroom Hell was a game I made about my
fear of losing my grandmother.

I started working on the game when I was at a
truly shitty job as a hotel cleaner in mid-2021.
I got the job through my mother's connections
with a kindly old man who said that someone
with my sensitive capabilities (?) would fit
right in as a cleaner. they were one big happy
family who all loved cleaning and being cleaned.
or something.

the job sucked, obviously. but once I got fired I
had a lot more time to work on my video game.
If you want to understand me, you must first
understand this: until recently, my grandmother
was my entire world. I used to go to her house
after school every day, without fail. Even if I
could only be there for an hour or so, I'd still
go. She was my best, and at times only friend.
We had a truly unique bond that people
frequently commented on, and she taught me
more than any person or institution could ever
teach me. She made me who I was.
picture this.

[setting: windy autumn day. after I finished school but
before I got a job. Me and grandma on a walk. we were
always going on walks. We walked the same routes near
her house hundreds of times, and we never got bored.
we were standing next to one of those public bookcases.
We were looking at books]

grandma: I think I'm going to start going
downhill soon.
████: ...
grandma: I think I have lung cancer. You must
have heard my cough change. I have a different
cough now.
████: yes, I did notice that.
grandma: and I have slightly less energy. it isn't
something we have to worry about yet. But we should
take advantage of my energy while we still can.
████: you wouldn't get treated?
grandma: no, I'm too old. I think that if it's
time for me to die, it's time for me to die. Plus,
I've been very lucky in life.*
████: ...okay.
grandma: ...
████: ...
grandma: how about this book? What does the
title say?**

* grandma was frequently ill during her life. it's a miracle
she survived as long as she did.
** grandma had a degenerative eye disease. she couldn't
really see anything at all. but I was with her at all
times, so she didn't really need to see, anyways.

 she was right, of course. She was always right.
She was incredibly, endlessly smart. Her
breathing steadily got more ragged as the
months and years crept on. We couldn't go
on long walks anymore, then we couldn't go
on short walks anymore. Finally, she lost
the ability to go to the store. She would
be completely out of breath just from walking
across the kitchen. She started smelling
like decay, like she'd already started dying and
her mind just hadn't caught up yet. She
started getting more and more forgetful.
her body was completely used up. But she
was stubborn, and kept on living.

before she got this bad, I worked on and finished
Mushroom Hell. none of my friends cared about
it, and none of my family even finished it,
including grandma, ironically. She didn't even
get to the part where Desdemona's grandmother
was introduced, or the part where you find
out that the fact that she died made Desdemona
the person she now is.
(a long while later, my aunt played the game.
She loved it. the moment she finished it, she
turned to me and said, 'this game is about you'.)

I finished Mushroom Hell on January 22nd,
2022. Grandma was not doing well, but it
wasn't as terrible as the last months, not
yet. We still had some fun times. When I
went to her house after work, She'd slice
me an apple. in four pieces. We'd go to the
store together, her having to pause a few
times, even though it was only a ten minute
walk. I took her to the beach, once.
it was really hard for her, and I swore
she was going to pass out at one point.
She fell asleep in the sand while I swam.
A lot of my anxieties had been put into
my game, and I could relax a bit. I could
try to enjoy grandma while she was still
around. I got my new job, which I'm still
at to this day, and my grandma was very proud
of me. I told her about everything that
happened at work every day, even if it was
boring. She bought me my favourite things
in excess, because grandmas exist to spoil
their grandchildren. I think that's a
universal law.

And then she started getting worse really fast,
and she went to the hospital, and they refused
to perform any tests on her. she fell in the
hospital and the nurses scolded her instead
of helping her up. I didn't want to visit her.
They made me visit her. After she went to the
hospital she wasn't the same person anymore.
'my' grandma had died and was replaced with
a small, sickly thing that smelled like death and
couldn't do anything on her own. She refused
to eat anything but yoghurt and cooked dinner
still but instead of grandma's delicious meals
everything was burnt and disgusting and half of
her ingredients were spoiled. She didn't notice
and ate the things she made with unbecoming
gusto. I started visiting her less because
she was no longer herself. and then at the
beginning of 2024 she started going downhill
so fast she wasn't 'there' anymore. I wrote
about it before. she became functionally
bedridden. her house was disgusting and she
became violent. She started throwing things
away and calling my mother awake every hour
of the night. She threw plates across the
floor and furniture into the garden. She could
no longer control her bowels. She started
leaving the house half-naked knocking on
people's doors. We had to put a wristband
on her with a name and a phone number.
tagging her like a fucking animal. She
died angrily and in pain. when she died,
she was rocking back and forth and groaning
in pain and whenever someone entered the
room she'd yell at them to get out. She
didn't die until that morning. Me and mom
were there.

Real-life death is a thousand times more
horrific than what is portrayed in Mushroom
Hell.the past two weeks (it's been two weeks
since she died) I've not done much other than
go to work, sleep, and think about how
inaccurate my stupid video game was. I think
it might be my way of mourning. I haven't
even fucking cried yet. But I had to leave
work early yesterday because I was so mad
I was afraid I was going to snap. yesterday
evening, my mother asked me why I'm so lazy.
I've overstayed my grief period. I'm no longer
allowed to be strange. I told my friend about
what happened and they said they were sorry
and then went straight back to ignoring me.
they've been ignoring me for ages. there is
no grace period. there is me, alone. I've
started being annoying again.

nobody cared that Desdemona's grandmother
died. Desdemona was so lonely that the only
thing pushing her forward was taking care
of her cat. To the point of self-mutilation.
to the point of suicide.

I wish I had something to care about.

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