10-02-2025
Last year, in February, my grandma died. On the fourth, not too far before my birthday. Of course,
during April and May and so on, we had the big thing where one of my aunts tried to kill herself
by starvation, failed, and got so depressed about it she basically didn't leave the house for half
a year. My great-aunt's soulmate (boyfriend? how do you refer to these things if the people
are in their 80s?) died around the same time, of cancer. Later in the year, my mom's aunt
(not biological) fell over in her house, had a brain aneurysm and died. It was a lot of death
for one year, and I'm sure it happened to others, too, but these were the people we were closest
to. Yesterday, my mom's best friend was found dead in her house, on the couch, as if she had
just laid down for a nap and never woke up. My mom was the one who called in the wellness
check. This morning, my colleague found out his dad died, leaving him with a ton of debt
and a failing business to run.
I don't feel like I have too much of an excuse to be sad. All these people (except my grandma
of course) were people my mom was way closer to, and she isn't crying or moping around either.
People keep telling me to 'let my feelings out' or ask how it's going and all I can really
say is 'fine'. I really liked my mom's friend, she was super nice. We used to have coffee
together in the weekends and she would bring me jeans from her work (she worked in a second
hand clothing store.) But she wasn't my best friend, she was my mom's. This morning, my
boss at work gave one of my tasks to someone else, and my eyes started watering. It's all so
incredibly stupid. I have no excuse to be sad. It isn't my place. I still haven't cried
from my grandma's death, and that was over a year ago. (I have tried, but it's hard to cry
on command.) My grandma was my favourite person in the world. And I'm a total dick.
The woman who was found on her couch, dead, has a mother with dementia who is still alive,
albeit at the stage of dementia where she doesn't recognize anyone anymore. She survived
her own daughter, and she doesn't even know it.
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