well, nothing happened, obviously.

sigh. okay. I've lost a skill I previously had, and it's bugging me. around 2020-2021 a couple of friends and I were in voice chat often, until super late, just laughing and playing online games and stuff. Somewhere along the lines, though, I've completely lost the ability to be in VC with more than one person at all. I understand that this isn't the "Aesthetic" type of journal entry you might be used to from me (generally having a rule not to directly mention social media type things) but like, uh, whatever. it's my website! my rules. so anyways.

I can be in voice chat with one person and we can talk and play fucking. uh. knock-off scrabble or something. whatever. draw/play minecraft/talk about our feelings. But when more than one person joins I just kind of clam up and go quiet and let the other people have whole conversations while I sit there with a sinking feeling in my chest like I'm going to have a heart attack. Yesterday basically all my favorite people were on call together. Guess what I did? Sat anxiously, not joining, obsessively checking the associated written chat in case they, what, mentioned me? in my dreams they wished I was there. In reality I don't think they thought about me. I'm not even that close with these people. It's the insane man's curse to be way more into a friend than a friend can ever be into me. only cutting could lull me to sleep. this is a problem 15-year-olds lament over in their diaries. It's way less cute when you're in your twenties.

I'm only writing this because I have to write it somewhere or I'll go insane and I'm pretty sure this is the only place where none of my friends will read it (sorry). I ruminate a lot about past actions, but also about theoretical future actions. Sometimes I think I have BPD or something because a lot of it aligns with how I feel (hyper-focus on one person, extreme jealousy, et cetera) but also I'd rather not be one of those disliked self-diagnosers and I don't think a diagnosis would really help me with anything anyways (I recently found out I'm no longer 'allowed' to have therapy because 'I already had it once and it clearly didn't work' what!!! hello??!). Sometimes I think I have OCD because I endlessly ruminate and can easily convince myself my existence or behavior somehow caused some great tragedy I, realistically, had no part in (I believe they call this 'magic thinking' and it's as devastating as it is stupid). Again, not sure how this is going to help me but at least I'm self aware about it. bah. I feel somewhat increasingly often that I don't deserve basic human needs like companionship and food. I'm an awful friend, really. Some part of me hopes everyone leaves me so they don't have to deal with me anymore. If I can't join voice chat without freaking out, at least give me the ability to not be in voice chat without freaking out. It's getting ridiculous.

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