something about fundamental youth experiences like doing crazy things kids do, stealing from shops and hanging out in quarries and hanging out at all, really. I did not do much as a child and as a teenager. I was bullied and I went home to my grandmother's house to lick my wounds. I was unhappy at home and I went to my grandma's house and did nothing. sat in her garden or sat at her little old laptop that had a literal chunk taken out of the keyboard and had so much cigarette ash in the keys you could barely type on it. I smelled like smoke so bad my mom made me shower and wash all my clothes before I was allowed to even enter my room. I never did anything and I feel so lost in the world, and I've been wondering if it's like that because I missed out on a normal youth like that, on making friends my age and doing things people my age do. I have no idea what people my age now (mid-20s, what the actual fuck!) do or like or how they make friends because my only friends are online ones. I have a lot of love to give, I think? I might not be talented or pretty or nice or anything but oh my god let me give you something because I feel like I'm going insane. I've always had these thoughts like, if only [x] thing happens, then I'll be okay, but the goalposts always seem to shift. It used to be cutting my hair short, but now I'm just suicidal with a better haircut (ha). housing crisis so I still live at home and I borderline-pray (not religious in the slightest,but, fuck it,) that I get the 'go ahead' to move out and on and then I'll suddenly be fine. But I don't think I will be. I think about killing myself every day. At least then I'll be able to do it within the comfort of my own home. GOD I HATE EVERYTHING. I WANT TO BE HAPPY SO BAD IT CRUSHES ME. IT IS NOT APATHY. I'M TRYING SO HARD AND GETTING NOTHING. ahem. it's whatever.

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